The Bruni Digest

In which I sit on a dirt mound somewhere in Brooklyn with my ears pricked, waiting for New York Times head restaurant critic Frank Bruni, who I imagine to be a Venetian count in a huge ruffled collar, to dole out stars from the inside breast pocket of his brocaded chamber robe. This blog is predicated on the suggestion that every Wednesday, in the Times Dining Out section, Frank lays a huge faberge egg of hilarity.

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Location: New York, New York, U.S. Outlying Islands

I am fiscally irresponsible, which means I have weak bones and a dorsal fin. And a penchant for dining out, even though I am, in the words of many rich people, a "poor people". I make a different face when speaking each of the foreign languages in which I am shittily proficient.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

STK and Porterhouse: I am Giving So Many Thanks

Another killer week. I don't have time to do this one tonight (early flight, you know the drill) but check in later this week...and don't forget to wear your "edible accessories for a naughty expedition to the other side of midnight." (YES, HE SAID THAT) Other choice tidbits to which I will be giddily appending deranged imagery:

- "I’ve never taken a spin inside a pimp’s stretch limo, and now I don’t need to."
- "It’s unclear whether she’s emerged from the boudoir or the abattoir, but her idea of fun obviously involves meat."
- "STK’s idea of a feminist must be Pamela Anderson"

And a bonus from the Diner's Journal (thanks for the heads-up, Cod):
"While Mr. Chow TriBeCa felt in many ways like a cynical swindle, the duck was a highlight. Restaurants will get the glistening, crackling skin right only to muff the thin band of meat just beneath, or they'll keep that meat moist and muff the skin, which won't be crisp enough."

MEAT + MUFF = Have a very sexy Thanksgiving.

This turkey's givin' a lot more than THANKS! Yowza.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your blog and as a fellow appreciater of eating and NYC, I'm wondering if you have any inside scoop into great deals or discounts for eating out in the city. I've looked through menupages and city search, and have not been satisfied, now I'm combing through food blogs trying to find a new resource. Help!!!

5:15 PM, December 03, 2006  
Anonymous Colin Alevras said...

dearest jules, thanks for all the effort. I am about to be Brunied myself, I believe this wednesday. This is the most terrifing next 24 hours of my life. It's so not funny, please make me laugh this after this is over. Thanks, Colin

3:47 AM, December 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jules, come back. Also, the verification word was "dpejw," which I'm sure is some kind of slur.

1:25 AM, December 18, 2006  
Blogger Jules said...

Obviously I've made more empty promises than a portside Johnny with a penchant for hookers, but literally I'm coming back this week. Big time. Just had a rough patch in the ol' "grad school" with the ol' "final exams" but I'm taking my vitamins, washing them down with Ballantine's Ale, and ready to rumble this Wednesday. (Frank's been AMAZING recently, too. It's really been a heartbreaker.)God, I'm such a lazy dpejw!

4:54 PM, December 18, 2006  
Blogger Kate said...

Jules, have you noticed that Gawker seems to be jacking your steez?
http://www.gawker.com/news/frank-bruni/nobody-turns-out-frank-bruni-216660.php
You should do the Digest for them as a regular feature. That Unethicist guy needs to be put in his place.

1:11 PM, December 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jules:

It's been so long. I know personally how rough it is in grad school. I've been there myself, but your loyal fan base is dying to hear from you. Just a short post to show you are still breathing. If not how about a girls gone wild type video!! JUST KIDDING. Waiting anxiously for your insight.

M in Milwaukee (Where foie gras is still legal).

6:08 AM, January 07, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, my hateful verification word is even better: "fatavgyq".

Anyway, Jules, hope all is OK on your end! It's kinda sad that your readers, poor saps that we are, depend so completely on your bawdy humor to quicken our pulses, but c'mon - show us some love!

Perhaps just a short missive on La Bruni's latest confections, gems like describing a hangar steak salad as "serene and sassy" with a "teasing sweetness that never...wore you out" or presenting omakase as a culinary dominatrix ("a slap is in many senses a caress"). Really, von Sacher-Masoch couldn't have said it better...

Low-hanging fruit? Totes. But even the Count must be missing you these days; otherwise, why would he abandon all pretense of subtlety and spread his legs like a two-bit whore for his own overdue wearing-out? He wants it. He needs it. And so, too, do we...

1:15 AM, January 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the dpejw again. And for my part, I am not kidding when I say perhaps a bawdy video WOULD tide me over.

11:36 PM, January 12, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ditto to all anonymous fans above. please come back to the five and dime, jimmy dean, jimmy dean.

8:34 AM, January 17, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jules, please, come back.

12:08 PM, January 22, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy.Shit. If you don't tackle the Brunster's review of the Waverly, the terrorists win. I'm pretty sure it was written as a love letter to you, the man's last ditch effort to bring you back to appease the serfs. Do it, if only for HRH.

10:20 PM, January 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clearly he thinks since you're MIA, he can nance unscathed through a field of vernacular . . . Julia Child only knows what he may be plotting next.

We know you're out there, since you're approving comments! Why do you torture our little, bored at work and snark craving hearts so?

4:23 PM, January 24, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok. it's been what? 250 consecutive days of looking at the naked guy? i only discovered the blog maybe a week before it went off air. wtf? as far as i'm concerned, the internet exists for google, facebook and the bruni digest ... and i've worked in high tech for 20 years ... come back. come. back.

3:24 AM, August 30, 2007  

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